Dumb Broad In Germany Tries To Become Easter Feast

Just when you think people can't get any dumber, they do. Thank God this time it was a foreigner and not an American making headlines in the "Dumbest Person in the World" section of the newspaper. This past weekend, a 32-year-old woman at the Berlin Zoo climbed the fence to the polar bear exhibit and hopped in. Was she warm and wanted to cool off? Did she mistake the big bear for her papa bear? Or did she really just want to get eaten alive by one of the largest animals in the world? Either way she is dumb as rocks! Too bad I don't speak German because I would definitely have told those people to let the bear tear her up!

Obviously the bear bit her. It started biting her and playing with her. Sort of like a child plays with their peas! (I guess bears can even tell that dumb broads don't taste as good as smart ones?)

The police said that several zoo workers then tossed rescue rings to the woman in an attempt to hoist her up and distract the other bears. The lady struggled and got bitten by another bear before getting pulled to safety. I think she should just be put in a cage and thrown in with the lions. That might teach her a valuable lesson. Word on the street is that she was trippin' on some crazy acid! I kid! No really she was really trippin'! Had to have been!

The Voice of the Phillies Dead At The Age of 73

"We lost our voice today," Phillies president David Montgomery said. "He has loved our game and made just a tremendous contribution to our sport and certainly to our organization." Harry Kalas was the beloved voice of the Philadelphia Phillies for 39 years. I've never known anybody else to call the games and I am sure many of you will remember Harry's unique voice. With his deep signature "Outta here!" for home run calls, he provided the soundtrack to Philadelphia baseball. Sadly he died Monday after collapsing in the broadcast booth before the Phillies' game against the Washington Nationals.

The Phillies beat the Nationals 9-8 today. In honor of Harry The K, when Shane Victorino hit a homerun he ran the bases, did the sign of the cross and pointed to the broadcast booth where Harry would normally be. He was absent for the first time in nearly 4 decades.

Last year the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series and gave Harry his second title while in Philadelphia. I am sure he will still be announcing up in Heaven and yelling, "Outta Hear!" for every homerun that the Phils hit. RIP Harry.

The Hello Kitty Purry Tour Featuring Katy Perry

I was honored to have tickets to the final show of Katy Perry's sold-out three night set at The Fillmore at Irving Plaza in New York City. I had bought her CD, watched her performances and sung "I Kissed A Girl" all last summer just like the rest of you. I heard from people she wasn't good live or she was overrated but I never like to make a decision until I see them in person.

Katy came out with bounds of energy bouncing off wall-to-wall. She was spitting water, talking to the crowd, and telling us what each song meant to her when she wrote it. This is a huge difference from other concerts I go to where the artist hardly has any participation. Katy even make a few crude jokes which everybody thought were hysterical. She basically was goofing off and singing her heart out to us. The concert itself was all of her best songs plus 2 covers leaving "I Kissed A Girl" for the encore. Before the final song she came out and asked an audience member if she brought her "cherry chapstick" because she would kiss her then. Unfortunately the girl didn't bring hers but Katy had an over sized one in place of the girls. The whole stage was over sized fruits and a very large "pussy" named Kitty Purry.


After the show let out we waited by the exit to see if she would sign for everybody. She came out about an hour later after her meet and greet was done and stopped for a few of us. I got my shirt signed and a photo with her. She was talking to people and joking around with them Very, very down to earth and beautiful up close. She tried to sign for everybody but only about 3-4 people got photos out of the 25+ people there. She said we were a great crowd and got in her car. About 1500 feet down the road there was a red light and those who didn't get a photo ran up to her car. She was so nice that she hopped over her assistant and sat out of the passenger side window posing with girls. The girls were so happy and I realized that even though she has come along way from her Christian Bible songs, she is still God's child at heart and honestly loves her fans.

The Night Everything Went Right: Keith Urban Edition

My friend Kaci and I are big country music connoisseurs. We follow all the artists and like all of the music. We got wind a few weeks ago that Keith Urban was going to be doing a private, free concert in Philadelphia for Verizon Wireless. I love many words but if I had to choose one word that stood out above the rest it was, FREE! Not only were the tickets free but Keith Urban a country music icon was playing the concert. My friend and I decided we needed to go see him, meet him, and just be there.

After our first failed attempt of scoring tickets at a "ticket run," we decided instead of getting discouraged that we would somehow get in if it meant standing outside the theater begging. The concert was being held in Philadelphia's smallest indoor venue known as the TLA-Theatre of the Living Arts. I knew the venue inside and out. I told Kaci if anything we would at least get to meet him outside.

We decided to go to the concert and push out luck. I brought a photo I took of Keith a few years back to get signed and my camera just incase we did get to meet him. When we got to South Street there was a huge line of people waiting to go in. There was more people than I had ever seen at the venue. We decided to walk around and noticed his SUV parked next to the door. Keith was already inside. Kaci and I started shopping and walking down the street figuring we will see him after the show. We made it halfway down the block when I notice a guy handing out passes to the show to two pretty girls. I ran after the man and asked if he had anymore. I told him our sole purpose in being on South Street that night was to see Keith. He ended up giving us 2 tickets and getting us upstairs. We had pretty decent seats because we went in 2 songs in and didn't have to stand in the crowd.

Keith played for about 1.5-2 hours of pure classic songs. After the set and before the encore we left to go around back. It was just my friend and Kaci at first but then came "the crazies." The ones who try and ruin it for everybody. Well let's just say the cops retained them. When Keith came out he jumped right in his car. He looked over to his left and I was holding up my picture with an autograph pen. He pointed and smiled. The car pulled down the alley and stopped. I told him the show was amazing and where I took the photo he was signing. He liked it! I said goodluck at the ACM Awards. He smiled and thanked me. My friend was snapping a photo for me. The crazies then ran up to try and throw stuff in the car and they drove off. Mission accomplished! I win! Keith is in my top 3 for nicest celebrities.

Madonna Gets Rejected To Collect Another Trophy

In the headlines recently Madonna has been seen heading back to African to collect another kid. We all might have it in our hearts to be adopted by Madonna. I know I wish I could be. She has money, owns the rights to some of my favorite songs and travels the globe, yet one thing is keeping her from adopting me. I'm not small and brown. Madonna only likes those traits in her adoptive children. Sadly for her, a residency requirement in Malawi has prevented Madonna from adopting a second child from that African nation.

Although Madonna, 50, adopted her son, David Banda, now 3, from Malawi in 2008. The move was not without its fair share controversy, there were claims that her application received special status because of her celebrity. Months later, David's father tried to get his son back after the adoption. The singer, a single mother, was planning to adopt 3½-year-old Mercy James, whom she first met in an orphanage in 2006. I guess Malawian babies are like crack once you have one you just keep wanting more! I like that Madonna is adopting children but I think she should jump the continents a little more. I am certain Madonna will appeal the ruling and get what she wants because what the Queen wants the Queen gets.

Jamie Foxx Finds Something in the Closet (It's Not His Sexuality)

Most people are aware the Jamie Foxx has been filming a new movie with Gerard Butler in Philadelphia called, "Law Abiding Citizen." Well it is ironic they gave the movie that title because Jamie has a fan that definitely does not abide by the laws of the land. Steven Taliver, 49, was arrested for stalking the Oscar winner at the AKA Hotel on South 18th Street in Philadelphia. He posed as Beyonce's manager and told the singer/actor that he was there to do business. Jamie was able to fight off the intruder and get some help. Later that same week, Foxx's security detail spotted the same man lurking around and they arrested him. He is now being cast in for America's Dumbest Criminals Season 23.

Jamie Foxx must also be an idiot because everybody knows Beyonce has a "Momager" and a "Dadager." So unless Mathew and Tina Knowles are rolling up into Philly just to speak with him then I wouldn't open the door. This guy is almost as crazy as the guy who was stalking 17 year-old Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson at the Dancing With The Stars lot in California. I guess stalking celebrities is in and f*cking them is out? Maybe I should switch my career

Gale King Tells Me To Call The Oprah Hotline

It is no surprise to anybody that I believe that God is walking around disguised as a black woman and preaches to me everyday at 4pm on ABC. To many people she is Oprah Winfrey but to me she is my decision maker. When Oprah tells me to buy a book, I buy 4. When she tells me something is delicious I order it in bulk. When she tells me to make the connection I do and try to hire Bob Greene to train me. Imagine my surprise when I saw Oprah's BFF outside of Saturday Night Live last weekend. I thought I had ran into my own long lost best friend. It was like I knew everything about Gayle. The first thing I asked for was a photo. Obviously I wanted proof that I had actually gotten to meet Gayle since Oprah has been ditching me and not listening to my show ideas since I was 4. I figured now I was able to give her my opinion.

Anyhow, I then proceeded to pester Gayle for tickets to the Oprah Show! I wanted to know how I have been calling the ticket hot line religiously since I was 12 to get tickets to the show with no luck. I honestly believe I would have a better chance cracking pi than getting tickets to Oprah. Gayle told me to call the ticket hot line. I looked at her like, "Wow! Thanks Captain Obvious!" I then proceeded to pull out my phone and show her that, Oh yes!, I had Oprah's ticket hot line programmed into my cell phone. That's right! Oprah's ticket hot line is programmed into my cell under Oprah. If I can't get tickets than who can? Gayle laughed and proceeded to walk to her car and told me to keep trying. Seriously Gayle you are her best friend! You should get me a spot sitting on Oprah's lap for a show!